When You Love God… But You’re Angry With Him

There’s a part of infertility that nobody prepares you for.

It’s not just the negative tests. It’s not just the doctor visits. It’s not just the weight gain, the hormones, the waiting.

It’s the spiritual battle.

It’s loving God… and being angry with Him at the same time.

For almost four years now, I have prayed for a baby. I have begged. I have cried on my bathroom floor. I have tracked ovulation, taken supplements, changed my diet, lost hope, found hope, and lost it again.

And still… nothing.

Meanwhile, it feels like everyone around me is “popping babies out left and right.” Planned. Unplanned. Wanted. Not wanted.

And if I’m being honest?

That hurts in a way I can’t fully describe.

The Thoughts I’m Not Supposed to Say Out Loud

I have asked God:

• Why me?

• Why give me the desire for children if my body won’t cooperate?

• Why would You allow PCOS and infertility to sit in my life this long?

• Why do some women get pregnant by accident while I’m calculating ovulation down to the hour?

And then comes the guilt.

Because as a Christian woman, am I even allowed to question Him?

Am I allowed to be angry?

The Truth About Anger and Faith

Here’s what I’ve learned the hard way:

God is not intimidated by my anger.

He already knows what’s in my heart. He sees the tears I cry when no one else does. He hears the bitterness I try to swallow.

Faith isn’t pretending you’re fine. Faith is bringing the ugly emotions to Him instead of away from Him.

There were seasons where I pulled back from God because I was mad. But I realized something important:

Pulling away didn’t make the pain smaller. It just made me lonelier.

Watching Others Get What You’re Praying For

This is the part that stings the most.

Seeing pregnancy announcements. Baby showers. Gender reveals. Third and fourth babies for people who “weren’t even trying.”

And sometimes… even babies who aren’t wanted.

That is a hard pill to swallow when you would give anything to carry one more child.

I won’t pretend I haven’t wrestled with thoughts about how unfair the system feels. Adoption is expensive. The process is overwhelming. And yet pregnancies happen every day to people who don’t even want them.

It’s easy for that to turn into bitterness.

But here’s what I’ve had to guard my heart against:

Other people’s blessings are not proof of my rejection.

Just because their story looks different doesn’t mean mine is forgotten.

What Has Helped Me Not Lose My Faith

1. Letting myself grieve. Infertility is loss. It deserves space.

2. Separating God from my circumstances. PCOS is a medical condition. It is not punishment.

3. Remembering that delay is not denial. I don’t know the outcome of my story yet.

4. Choosing gratitude for what I do have. I have Alma. I have a husband who loves me. I have breath in my lungs today.

5. Praying honest prayers instead of “pretty” ones. Sometimes my prayers sound more like, “God, I don’t understand You right now.”

And that’s okay.

If You’re Angry at God Too

You’re not a bad Christian.

You’re not weak in faith.

You’re a hurting woman who wants something deeply and hasn’t received it yet.

Bring the anger to Him.

Bring the jealousy. Bring the confusion. Bring the questions.

He can handle it.

And even when I don’t understand His timing… I am choosing — some days just by a thread — to believe that He is still good.

Even here. Even in the waiting. Even in the silence.

-Libby💛